No strength and Afraid

Strength is a big word, a word hard for most of us to ever achieve in life. For me I always have been the follower, the yes ma'am girl, the what do you think girl, the I will have what they are having person.  I was raised raised to listen to my parents, respect my elders and not to question authority. 

As I said before many things have happen in my short life to question my faith, my reason for being here. I lost track of myself God, and my marriage. When my grandmothers died within 6 months of each other my world crashed to the ground. I pushed everyone away, my husband, that stood beside me, held me when I cried, and never strayed from me. My parents who where hurting as well, and my brother who was going through all this and trying to start a new marriage with a wife and a young son, All these people needed me and I checked out on them all. Above all that I closed God out the one that is always there. I have no strength to get through this at all. 
I had no strength and I was afraid. I wanted to crawl in a hole and give up on the world, give up on everyone. I had found that the people that I hung with that I thought were my friends were not my friends at all, they were stabbed me in my back and used me. I fell in a rut of negativity, I was mean, hateful and wanting nothing to with GOD. THIS WAS NOT ME!

One day I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw this verse posted by a dear friend that I had lost contact with,
    
 " Be Strong and let your heart be Courageous, all you who put              hope in the Lord." - Psalms 31:24

This verse spoke to me, actually it yelled, screamed, and hit me between the eyes. I needed to find the strength in the Lord again to stand on my own two feet, I needed to learn how to talk in his path again. Pull myself out of the hole and away from the horrible people that I thought where the only ones that loved me and find my way back to the ones that loved me and never left me in the first place. 

Since that day I am a new person, I walk with my head held high, I know that I have a brighter future, my relationship with God has never been stronger. My relationship with the family that I once pushed away has gotten so much better. My husband now attends church with me, we are going to expand our family through adoption and I started this blog. At times I am not sure what I am doing but I know that if I can reach just one person then I know that my story is getting out there. 

Remember stand up to those negative people in your life, tell them no more and live your life for you not anyone else.

Lving with MCTD

I never thought that at 33 I would be diagnosed with disease!! When I got told that I had a disease I was devastated. I didn't know what to do, where to turn. I blocked everyone out, I didn't want to talk about it. I turned to the internet...... That was the wrong choice. You find every horrible thing that can come from MCTD. A long life dealing with pain, and a lot of pain, to the point that you may not be able to work. WHAT!?! Not be able to work, I have to work, we are trying to adopt a child, then it hit me is that going to crush my dreams of having a child. All the thoughts that I had where me in a bed, not being able to move and my husband having to wait on me hand and foot. That is not me. I went into a depression to the point that I tried to give up. Then one day it hit me. I AM NOT A QUITTER and I don't give up. I got back into church, found friends that cared about me (that is another entry) and the will to stand up to MCTD.

In the Beginning

When we met that day on the school bus almost 20 years ago, I never thought that I would be sitting here today with that red headed aggravating boy. But we are here, the road has been rocky, bumpy and everything in the between but an adventure. We never do anything in life easy, married at 18, moved 500 miles away never being away from home. We grew up together. We probably made some bad decisions, we strayed away from God but he always held our hand.  When we were young we had dreams, BIG dreams. A house, cars, good jobs and a big family. Well we have accomplished many of those dreams except one, having kids of our own. It is heart ache that we deal with all the time, everyday the thought of having kids are there. But big plans are in our future and we are planning on telling the world about them. In this blog that I am starting today I am hoping to help that couple that is in the same boat that we are, always wanting to hear the words of Mommy and Daddy and the thought that they will never get to. I have decided to stand up and speak out about my trails and triumphs, and we are hoping for our happily ever after.